


Follow Me Down to the Bottom

by projekt45



Series: Legend: The Quarterback [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Brain Damage, Character Death, Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic, Panic Attacks, between 5x2 and 5x3, engaged!klaine, ruptured brain anyeursym, stroke, takes place the the same day and the morning after the events in "A Legend in My Own Mind", thanks rib, what glee missed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25883932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/projekt45/pseuds/projekt45
Summary: The day after Rachel receives the news of Finn's passing, she seems to be doing as well as she could be, but when she opens her phone and is reminded that her soulmate is gone, she unravels. She calls up Kurt, the only person she thinks who could understand her pain and help her calm down, and he tries his best to help her work through her grief.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Carole Hudson-Hummel/Burt Hummel, Hiram Berry/Leroy Berry, Rachel Berry & Finn Hudson
Series: Legend: The Quarterback [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875346
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Follow Me Down to the Bottom

**Author's Note:**

> TW: death, panic attack, anxiety, and mentions of brain damage and stroke
> 
> While writing the first fic in this series, I came up with the idea to make some sort of continuation from Rachel's point of view, so here it is! It was definitely harder to write this one; writing the panic attack scene took a lot out of me. I had to take a break every other sentence to watch some light-hearted youtube videos (thank you Jenna Marbles!). 
> 
> I want to give a special thank you to Reagh (@kurtelizabxthh on twitter) for helping me piece together this idea, and Twenty One Pilots for creating "Neon Gravestones", which I took lyrics from to create the title of this fic. Okay, enough of my rambling, enjoy the fic!

Rachel had just gotten up, got dressed, and was in the middle of eating a quick breakfast before she went out for her morning run when she received a call from Carole. 

She didn’t know it then, but that phone call would soon mark the start of one of the worst couple of days of her life. 

As she eats her breakfast of a banana and a cup of hot tea while scrolling through Twitter, Carole’s caller ID pops up on her phone. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Rachel to receive calls from Carole; even though Finn and she were no longer together, Carole still viewed Rachel as the daughter she never had. She would every couple of days to check up on her, or if Rachel was in town, invite her over for a meal.

“Hi honey, how are you?” Carole asks, trying to judge what kind of mood Rachel was in. She didn’t want to make an already bad day even worse.

“I’m alright. I’m actually in town visiting my dads. How are you?” Rachel asks.

“Oh, I’m alright, it’s a hectic few days, but I’ll be okay,” Carole replies shakily. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry while giving anyone the news. She was afraid that once she started, she wouldn’t be able to stop, and she didn’t want Rachel, or anyone else to witness that. “Do you have any plans for today? I was wondering if you wanted to come over for a bit. Burt and I have some news.” Carole manages, trying her best to control her breathing on the other line.

“No, today’s a pretty lazy day for me, and I’d love to come over! Is everything alright?” Rachel asks. Her mind immediately goes to Finn. Was there something wrong with him? Was he alright? 

“Just go ahead and come over, sweetheart,” Carole starts. “I wouldn’t want to tell you over the phone if I had the option to tell you in person.” She says, hoping that Rachel doesn’t question her further. 

“Alright, I’ll be there in around ten minutes,” Rachel says as she grabs her keys, puts on her shoes and heads out the door. 

“Ok, hun, I’ll see you in a bit, drive safe!” Carole says, trying to sound as cheery as possible, not wanting Rachel to worry.

“I will. Bye, Carole, I’ll see you soon!” Rachel replies, unlocking her car door and jumping in.

She closes the car door behind her and sends a short text to her dads in the family group chat about where she’ll be and how long she thinks the visit will take. On the drive to Carole and Burt’s house, she finds herself getting more and more worried. What news could be so important that Carole suggested that they talk in person? The sides and heels of her hands begin to ache like they always do when she feels anxious or worried, so she rubs them on her steering wheel, the pain only slightly fading away. She knows something is wrong, she can feel it in her gut.

In an effort to try and distract herself, she turns on the radio. Instantly, she recognizes the song playing.

“When the evening shadows and the stars appear,  
And there’s no one there to dry your tears,  
I could hold you for a million years,  
To make you feel my love.”

It’s their song. 

The song she and Finn would always sing for each other whenever the other needed some extra love or reassurance. Rachel’s heart swells as she feels tears start to prick the corners of her eyes and starts humming along with the song. She hopes that wherever her ex-fiancé is, the song is still just as special to him as it is to her. As the song comes to a close, she considers giving Finn a call to see how he’s doing, but decides against it, reminding herself that she needs to give him his space. The song helps to calm her nerves, but she still has that horrible feeling in her stomach.

She arrives at Burt and Carole’s house a few minutes later and takes a deep breath, trying to prepare herself for whatever Carole is going to tell her. With every step she takes towards the front door, her hands begin to ache more and more until no amount of rubbing will soothe them. She grits her teeth and rings the doorbell.

Just a few moments later, the door opens and Rachel is met with Carole. As soon as Rachel saw her, she knew something was wrong. Carole’s hair was tied up in a very tangled and messy bun, her eyes were very puffy and had bags under them, and she couldn’t seem to stop sniffling. This was so weird to Rachel, as Carole always looked so put-together and neat. Her appearance had always been important to her, so whatever happened must’ve been bad if it took this much of a toll on how she looked. 

“Hi honey, how are you? Have you eaten at all this morning? I made pancakes.” She says, leading Rachel to the sofa and patting the space next to her, signaling her to sit. 

“I’m alright, and no thank you, I had a quick breakfast before I left the house this morning.” She replies as she closes the door behind her and makes her way over to the couch. Rachel settles on the couch next to Carole and turns her body towards her, giving her her full and undivided attention. She tries to search Carole’s eyes for some clues as to what’s going on, but it seems as though Carole is making an effort to avoid eye contact. On the rare occasion she slips up, Rachel sees this distant and somber look in her eyes; the same look that Hiram had when he’d told her that her great-grandmother had passed away.

“So, um, is everything alright? Is it Burt?” Rachel asks, remembering his health history.

Carole shakes her head and clasps her hands together. “No, no, he’s alright. It’s Finn.” She says, biting her lip to keep it from quivering. She takes a deep breath and prepares herself to deliver Rachel the news.

As if on cue, Burt descends from the staircase. Carole didn’t know this until a few months later, but he had wanted to come downstairs to the kitchen to get a drink of water, then stopped when he saw Carole open the door for Rachel. He stayed at the top of the stairs until he heard Carole prepare herself to tell Rachel the news, then decided to come down to greet Rachel and lift the burden of having to relive that terrible night off of Carole’s shoulders by telling Rachel himself. 

“Hi, Rachel, it’s so nice to see you. How’ve you been?” Burt asks as he crosses the living room and pulls her into a hug.

“I’ve been alright, thank you, how’s Finn?” She asks.

Burt and Carole share a look, and Burt silently lets her know that he’ll deliver the news. He looks just as disheveled as Carole, the same bags under his puffy and sorrowful eyes.

Carole gets up from the couch without a word and settles in the recliner on the other side of Rachel. Burt takes a seat next to Rachel and begins to recount one of the worst nights of his life. He doesn’t dare look into her eyes, for fear that he’ll break down into hysterics for the fourth time that day. How the hell is he going to tell her that the love of her life is gone?

“At around two in the morning on Friday night,” Burt begins as he takes Rachel’s hand. “I went up to Finn’s room to tell him goodnight and ask him if he still wanted to go to this football game in a couple of weeks. What was strange was that Finn was lying in bed, not responding. I assumed that he would wake up at the sound of my voice, with him being such a light sleeper, but I was met with nothing. I shook him to try to wake him, but he didn’t respond. I tried to look for a pulse but I couldn’t find anything. We called an ambulance and rushed him to the emergency room, but it was too late. Finn passed in his sleep. The doctors said it was a ruptured brain aneurysm that caused a stroke.” Burt finishes, his hands shaking and tears streaming down his face.

Burt continues on to tell her about the funeral arrangements, but she can’t bring herself to listen. Her vision becomes blurry with tears and her hearing becomes fuzzy. The pit in her stomach that started growing when she rang the doorbell is weighing her down like a sack of rocks, and she feels like she’s going to throw up. 

This can’t be happening, Finn’s going to walk through the front door any minute now, sweating and panting from his morning run, he has to. She stares at the front door for a few minutes, but it doesn’t open. The last sliver of hope leaves her body and she’s forced to accept reality.

Finn Hudson, her first kiss, her first love, her fiancé, the person she always imagined her future with, is gone. 

Forever. 

She immediately feels Carole and Burt’s warm embrace. They sit together on the couch for about an hour, their sobs filling the room.

****

As she drives home, she tries her best to pull herself together, not wanting to get into an accident. 

She quickly unravels when she pulls into her parents’ driveway, sobs racking her body. She picks herself up just enough to get out of her car, close the door behind her, and get into her house, but the second she locks the front door behind her, she sinks to her knees, violently sobbing while hugging herself and rocking back and forth. 

She stays in the entryway of her house for about two hours until Hiram gets home from work. He’s immediately filled with worry but tries to set his focus on getting Rachel to the couch. He lifts her off her feet, and with all his strength, carries/drags her across the living room and on to the sofa. He sits down next to her and she immediately lays down and positions herself with her head in his lap, soaking his pants with her tears. Hiram silently runs his fingers through her hair and rubs her back, remembering how that always calmed her down when she was a little girl. They stay this way on the couch until Rachel’s violent sobs are reduced to quiet hiccups. Hiram finally asks her what happened, hoping to God he doesn’t trigger another breakdown.

“Finn’s dead.” She says in between hiccups, trying to contain her emotions. 

Hiram’s in shock, to say the very least. He knew that Rachel and Finn weren’t together at the moment, but like Rachel, he and LeRoy always thought they would end up together in the end, but now with the news of Finn’s passing, that fairytale ending he so hoped for came crashing down. He blinks back his tears, trying his best to stay strong for his daughter.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, baby. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now.” Hiram says, knowing that nothing he’ll say will make this any better. He stays with her for a few hours until LeRoy gets home, and only with Rachel’s permission, Hiram gets up to start dinner. LeRoy takes his spot on the couch, rubbing Rachel’s back and holding her hand while quiet tears stream down her face. LeRoy decides it best to not ask what caused this sudden change in her behavior for fear that he’ll trigger yet another waterfall of tears and instead makes a mental note to ask Hiram later on.

LeRoy eventually leaves her side to help Hiram with dinner, and when he returns with her meal in hand, he finds her in the same place he’d left her, her eyes glazed over and staring at the vase of peonies on the coffee table. He sets the plate of food and a glass of water on the table, tells her that he and Hiram will be upstairs if she needs anything, kisses her head, tells her goodnight, and disappears to his and Hiram's bedroom upstairs to get ready for bed.

Rachel considers eating but immediately rejects the idea as the very thought of food makes her nauseous. She stays on the couch for the entire night and all of the next morning, only getting up to go to the bathroom. She just feels so heavy that the thought of her moving exhausts her.  
She spends the entire night thinking about Finn, about the first time she saw him, their first kiss, their last night together, and the last phone call she had with him. She wonders if there’s anything he could’ve said or done to prevent his death. What would’ve happened if she hadn’t moved to New York? What if she hadn’t left their hotel room the last night they spent together without telling him? What if she’d called him the night he died? Would she have gotten help quickly enough to save him? She spends a large portion of the night asking herself hundreds of questions, then settles on the fact that there’s nothing she could’ve done. Everything happened the way it did for a reason, and there’s no way she can turn back time and see the result of each hypothetical situation, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t wish with her entire being that she could.

After coming to this conclusion, she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She was afraid to go to sleep, fearing that she’d dream of Finn and then wake up and remember he was gone. She didn’t want to go upstairs and wake up her dads because 1) the very thought of her walking exhausted her, and 2) She remembered that LeRoy had a presentation at work in the morning and Hiram had an early start tomorrow. She didn’t want to make them lose sleep because of her. She spent the rest of the night trying not to think about anything, especially Finn. She just wanted the morning to come already so she could distract herself and fill her day with unnecessary and tedious tasks.

****  
When Hiram came downstairs the next morning, he was greeted by a puffy-eyed and exhausted-looking Rachel, who was laying on the couch, staring at the flower vase on the coffee table, just as he left her the night before. He decides to text his boss to tell him that he’ll be late so he can spend some time with his daughter. He makes his way to the couch and sits at her feet, rubbing her calf soothingly. 

“Good morning, hun, how’re you holding up?” He asks, hoping to get some sort of reaction out of her.

No response. 

“I’m gonna make some waffles in a bit, is that alright with you?” He asks, noticing the untouched Jackfruit tacos from the night before. 

Again, no response.

After fifteen minutes or so of Hiram trying to make conversation with Rachel, he decides to make it his goal to get her to go upstairs to her room to process everything in her bed. After asking her about it and receiving no response, he gathers all his strength and pulls her off the couch. She gets to her feet and with Hiram’s help, makes her way upstairs and to her room. 

After Hiram finally succeeds in hauling Rachel to her room, he lays her in bed and pulls the covers over her. He gives her a quick kiss on her forehead, tells her that he loves her and that he’ll bring breakfast up to her room so she doesn’t have to make the trip to the kitchen. Again, she doesn’t acknowledge his presence and waits for him to exit the room, closing the door behind him, to sit up in her bed. 

She grabs her phone out of her pocket and opens it, checking to see if she had any notifications.

Then she sees her lock screen. 

A selfie of her and Finn on the beach, taken during last year’s annual Hudson-Hummel beach trip that she was invited on.

As soon as her eyes land on Finn’s face, smiling wide for the camera, holding Rachel close as the afternoon sun shines down on them, she starts to feel the room closing in on her.

It sets in that she’ll never see his smile, hear his voice, or feel his arms around her again. He’s gone, and she’ll never get him back.

Her hands start to shake as hot tears stream down her face. The silent tears turn into violent sobs as the worst breakdown in twenty-hour hours turns into her first panic attack. Her vision gets blurry as if she’s looking through a dirty window, and her hearing goes fuzzy. She gasps for air, unable to breathe, feeling like someone’s standing on her chest. The pain in her hands grows more and more excruciating with each passing second until no amount of rubbing seems to soothe them. She feels like her heart’s about to beat right out of her chest as she presses her hands to her chest, trying to ease the pain. She tries to think of what to do next, but the pain is clouding her head, making every thought she tries to produce fade into oblivion. As she sits in bed, her sobs turning into screams, she rocks back and forth, unconsciously pulling at her hair and scratching her arms, trying to get what she’s feeling to stop.

She needs to talk to someone, but who? Her dads have already left for work, and she doesn’t want to scare Carole or Burt. Does anyone else besides her, her dads, and Burt and Carole know?

Then she remembers Kurt. He has to have found out already, hasn’t he? After all, Finn passed a few days ago, and Kurt was family, it seems ridiculous that he wouldn’t know already. 

Before she could give herself the chance to change her mind, she attempts to get a grip on her phone, her hands still shaking. She unlocks it, trying not to look at her lock screen, and opens Kurt’s contact.

****

Kurt woke up at around one in the afternoon, exhausted from the events of the night before. He’s about to throw the covers off himself to brush his teeth and greet Blaine, who was in the kitchen, making lunch, when he gets a call from Rachel.

He’s not sure if he’s ready to talk to anyone but Blaine right now, but remembers that Rachel probably already found out about Finn, and if she did, she’s probably doing just as terrible, if not worse than he is. He answers her call, not at all prepared for the conversation he’s about to have.

He’s met with nothing but Rachel cry-screaming on the other line.

“Kurt, please, I need help,” she says between sobs. “Finn’s gone and I can’t breathe and my chest hurts and I can’t stop shaking and I feel like I’m going to die. He’s gone, Kurt. He’s gone and he’s never coming back.”

“Rachel,” Kurt begins, trying to sound as calm and steady as possible. He knows what this is, he’s had plenty of panic attacks in his life. He just hopes he can calm Rachel down and prevent her from doing something she’ll regret. “Stay on the other line with me, alright? I don’t want you hanging up until you feel better. Just focus on my voice and try to control your breathing, okay? I want you to breathe in for four counts, hold it for seven, and exhale for eight, alright? Can you do that with me?” he asks, remembering the breathing technique he was taught by his therapist in high school that he’d used countless times before. 

Blaine hears Kurt in the other room, using that voice he does when he’s freaking out but needs to stay calm. He pulls back the curtain that separates Kurt’s bedroom from the rest of the apartment and settles on the bed, looking quizzically at Kurt as he takes his hand.

“It’s Rachel.” Kurt mouths to him. Blaine instantly understands. Finn was Rachel’s soulmate, of course she wouldn’t be doing well with the news. 

“Y-y-yeah, I’ll try.” Rachel manages, wiping her face on her sleeve. 

“Okay, good, breathe in,” Kurt instructs, doing the same. “Hold it… breathe out” he says. Rachel follows his lead, and they practice the technique again and again for about twenty minutes until Rachel calms down a bit.

“Okay,” Rachel begins, “Okay, I’m alright, thank you, Kurt.”

She isn’t alright. She can breathe normally now and she’s not sobbing nearly as hard as before, but now she’s exhausted, dehydrated, and that pit that formed in her stomach yesterday still hasn’t gone away.

“Of course, I’m always here if you need me. You’re my sister and you always will be.” Kurt says.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Kurt asks.

“No, I think I’ll be alright, I’m so sorry I bothered you, I just needed someone to talk to and I knew that you were the person out of everyone that probably knew.” Rachel says. Now that she’s stable enough to form coherent thoughts, the guilt sets in. Finn was Kurt’s brother, she couldn’t imagine what he’s feeling right now. How could she be so selfish, not even considering his feelings and just calling him spontaneously in the middle of a panic attack?

“No, don’t you start with that. I don’t want to hear any apologies. Finn was your soulmate. It was completely normal for you to react that way. I’m always gonna be here for you, alright? For better or for worse, remember?” Kurt asks, grateful to hear Rachel chuckle in response on the other line.

“For better or for worse.” she echoes. “I love you so much, Kurt, thank you for everything. How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I had some pretty big breakdowns last night after dad called me, but surprisingly, I just feel more numb than anything else.” Kurt lies. Truthfully, he’s been a total wreck. “I’ll probably have more episodes, especially within the next few weeks, but I’m doing as okay as I can be as someone who just found out he lost his brother. Blaine’s been helping a lot though, he’s the best.” Kurt says, looking at Blaine lovingly. Blaine squeezes his hand and smiles softly. He’s so happy to hear that he’s been at least a little bit of help to Kurt during all of this.

“And I love you too, I’m here whenever you need to talk. I know you’d do the same for me. Would you like to stay on the line and talk or do you want me to let you go?” Kurt asks, knowing from experience that her panic attack probably took a lot of energy out of her and left her exhausted. 

“Is it alright if I try and get some sleep? My breakdown took a lot out of me.” Rachel responds.

“Of course, Blaine and I are flying in later this afternoon, so I’ll be available if you want to talk in person.” Kurt says, because as strong as he’d like everyone to think he is, these last few days have left him in shambles. Don’t get Kurt wrong, Blaine’s been great, but he feels that Rachel is the only one who truly understands what he’s feeling at the moment. 

“I’d love that. I’ve gotta go, I feel like I’m gonna pass out any second, but I’ll talk to you later, okay? I love you so much, Kurt, don’t ever forget that.” Rachel says, already feeling her eyes grow heavy.

“I love you too, no go ahead and get some sleep. I’ll talk to you soon. Goodbye.” He finishes.

“Bye, Kurt, I’ll see you soon.” Rachel says as she hangs up the phone. As she’s falling asleep, all she can think of is how grateful she is to have someone who’ll stand by her, pick her up and put her back together like Kurt.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the reference I used for Rachel's lock screen: https://ca-times.brightspotcdn.com/dims4/default/8617c2b/2147483647/strip/true/crop/636x599+0+0/resize/840x791!/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcalifornia-times-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fc3%2F83%2F508a545a53a900e7a2e2d12fbf94%2Fla-xpm-photo-2013-jul-29-la-et-mg-lea-michele-twitter-cory-monteith-death-20130729 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to comment or dm me (my handle is @uniturts on twitter) any constructive criticism or ideas you may have for future fics (or just to talk, I need friends lol)!


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